i had an arguement with Elrond today. Like, what's new, right. We always have fights. But today we were at the Fellowship's place, and I was teasing him in front of the others, and he got mad and walked out, and i went after him cos i didnt mean for him to get mad, honest! and i went after him, and i tried to... well... i didnt exactly apologise, i dont think i did actually say the words, but i did, i did in my own way, but... no, now that i think back, i did say the words, i did say i'm sorry but he was still hurt and i couldnt get to him, and he wouldnt talk to me so i got frustrated too, and i gave up and snapped at him for being so difficult. i mean, i've apoligised and he was still SULKING at me!!! I mean, i've apologized for goodness sake! what more does he want?!?! so i got frustrated and snapped at him that if he wanted to get back to his work so badly then just GO, so he left and i was so upset.

and then Legolas and Aragorn came up and got snappy about there being a furious peredhil in the kitchen and i'm like, fine... it doesnt bother me... except it does... like, i know he was saying he had work to do just to get away from me, but it didnt hurt so bad until i heard he was in the kitchen and very obviously not working... not only does he walk out on me, he lied about work. he just didnt want to be with me.

and i got so upset. and legolas... i dont know... did something and suddenly it was like... i dont know... we didnt talk. no, he just sat down and it's like... it felt... i felt supported... enough to go downstairs and actually patch things up with E.

*sigh*

it's still not Right with elrond. i feel like he's shut me out. oh, i dont know, maybe it's just the stress of the amerian elections, i know he'll blame himself if anything goes wrong... something to do with the politics behind the politics. but he's not been himself lately. but really, it has been a very stressful year, what with the iraq war, and the taiwan elections, and the singapore elections, and now the all important american elections comming up.. plus even more stress about... well... us...and his foresight going completely wahooni because of it... i havent told the fellowship about it yet. it'll just be so odd... i dont know how i'd show my face if *anyone* got to know... oh, i dont know. maybe i'll tell legolas. he might understand. no, i have to tell legolas... i feel i owe him that, wierd as it may seem. but to expose myself to him in any way is a huge risk, and i'm not entirely sure i'm okay with that. he... well... hates me, most of the time. you know, when he's not being nice... which is most of the time. he cant stand the sight of me. it makes me sad. i really didnt mean for it to go so bad between us. i was an idiot. he hurt me, and i wanted to hurt him back, i just... was stupid. i hate myself for that. every time i think about the pain i've caused him i... but hush! what's past is past.