i just realised how different we are today, elrond and i. it's wierd, really. i mean, i've been living with him for what, two hundred human years now right? you'd think i'd have noticed sooner. and maybe i have, i've just never let it bother me before. but i'm lonely.

we love each other, we do. i know we do. but i dont feel it, and i'm starting to wonder if he doesnt feel it too. we're too different. what is my way of showing it just isnt his, and what is my needs isnt what is his either.

he gets me things... i think... not often, but big things. well, okay, pretty often. but i think they mean a lot to him, but i think that on hindsight, because i dont think the same way. he gives me good presents, big expensive presents every now and then. it's his way of loving me, i think, keeping his eyes and ears open for that special something that he knows would give me joy.

with me it's different. i dont give him impressive stuff. i dont see the pont. why should i, when i'm giving him everything every single waking moment? the slice of cake i cut for him, that's a gift. i know he likes the flavour. the thin paper netting i serve it on, that's a gift too. when placed on a black japanese plate, it brings out the colour of the cream. the rose i place across the tray, that too is a gift from my heart. does he see it? now that i make myself wonder, i dont think so. to him it's just part of his dessert, something that mysteriously appears from the depths of the kitchens and onto the table. something he would eat without noticing. he does not know how carefully i have instructed it to be served, how thick the slice, how heavy the icing. it is a different world to him, one that he is severed from.

as is everything i do for him. every morning after i shampoo my hair, i coat it with Pro-V to make it soft and shiny. i know he likes it that way, clean and fresh smelling every time he runs his hand through it, so i make the effort. if i were living alone, i'd probably only wash my hair once or twice a week. elvish hair does not need so much care naturally. but he likes it that way, so i make the effort. does he realise? i think not.

i dont mean to sound embittered. reading this, writing this, i know i sound bitter. but i'm not, just sad. just quietly sad, that he doesnt notice what i do for him. and it makes me even sadder to think that i probably dont notice what he does for me as well. it's like we're speaking in a differnt language, knowing just enough to understand another's words but not the meaning of their hearts.

just like the sprig of flowers i place by his bedside, or the silly keychains i get from the deaf. or the feather bookmarks, or leaves, or pinecones, or even a spring roll from a Chinese restaurant, all the little things i bring back after a day out with the gang. all the things that reminded me of him while we were apart. all the things i thought he might like, or that i liked and wanted to share with him.

the cup of coffee i bring him when he has his late nights? i grind the beans myself, and stand by as it brews so the flavour is only just right. it's not that i dont trust the kitchen staff. i do. but i want to do this myself, to prepare it for him with my own two hands. it's just that i want it just right. i want it perfect for him. i wouldnt do that for anyone else, not even me. but he's worth that extra effort.

so you see i love him. i really do. but i cant show him in this way, because he doesnt see. and yet still i do it, because it is in my bones and i cannot fight that instinct.

but even in my other ways, the ways i show him, it's wrong. he wants me to say it. ai, elbereth, how can i say "i love you" ten thousand times a day, until my brains swirl within me and the words dribble out through my ears, all lies, all like vegetables boiled for too long, until all the truth, all the flavour has gone. i say it in here, in my heart, where it will never dissolve, where it will always stay pure and true.

sometimes the words will swell in my chest and burst forth from my throat, and he would smile when he hears it. so happy. but then i feel guilty that i can only give him this joy sometimes, not often. not as often as he likes, for fear it might turn into a lie.

i think of him always though. and i get a tangible pleasure from being near him. i dont know if he feels the same way-- he certainly isnt hald as clingy or demonstrative as i am. in fact, sometimes he looks awkard or embaressed by all the attention. and then i feel guilty for showing that i care.

but sometimes... when i am in the mood for something extra, something special, when i want to spend some time with him... we have different ideas of romantic. actually, i dont even know what is romantic for him. conventional stuff, i would assume, the candles and flowers and sunset strolls. or maybe it's rain, maybe he finds rain romantic, that's why he drags me out in the most dismal of weather. i try to appreciate it, for his sake. i want to take an interest in his interests.

but that isnt my idea of romantic. okay, i admit, not many people can refuse a quiet evening in front of the fireplace, but even that's just... nice... it doesnt give me that thrill. what i want... what i really truly want is to dance with him. to bring him to a bar and dance with him. to let the siren call of the music seep into our souls as we dance, our bodies pressed together... or to a bash, and feel the energy and thrill as we gyrate to the music. linked, bound as a dance couple. or even... or maybe especially a concert. an outdoor concert.

can you even imagine the thrill of kissing your husband in a seething mass of millions, all busy, dancing, all caught up in the moment, all caught up in the song? can you imgine him touching you? the both of you entwined in each others arms, lost in the magic of each others eyes? i can. i do. i want that. i crave that. i desire that so much. every time i see an ad on the telly advertizing a bash or a concert, i imagine myself there with him, connecting on that other level of erotica.. just... dancing... just feeling...caught up in the sensuality of it all.

i had an arguement with Elrond today. Like, what's new, right. We always have fights. But today we were at the Fellowship's place, and I was teasing him in front of the others, and he got mad and walked out, and i went after him cos i didnt mean for him to get mad, honest! and i went after him, and i tried to... well... i didnt exactly apologise, i dont think i did actually say the words, but i did, i did in my own way, but... no, now that i think back, i did say the words, i did say i'm sorry but he was still hurt and i couldnt get to him, and he wouldnt talk to me so i got frustrated too, and i gave up and snapped at him for being so difficult. i mean, i've apoligised and he was still SULKING at me!!! I mean, i've apologized for goodness sake! what more does he want?!?! so i got frustrated and snapped at him that if he wanted to get back to his work so badly then just GO, so he left and i was so upset.

and then Legolas and Aragorn came up and got snappy about there being a furious peredhil in the kitchen and i'm like, fine... it doesnt bother me... except it does... like, i know he was saying he had work to do just to get away from me, but it didnt hurt so bad until i heard he was in the kitchen and very obviously not working... not only does he walk out on me, he lied about work. he just didnt want to be with me.

and i got so upset. and legolas... i dont know... did something and suddenly it was like... i dont know... we didnt talk. no, he just sat down and it's like... it felt... i felt supported... enough to go downstairs and actually patch things up with E.

*sigh*

it's still not Right with elrond. i feel like he's shut me out. oh, i dont know, maybe it's just the stress of the amerian elections, i know he'll blame himself if anything goes wrong... something to do with the politics behind the politics. but he's not been himself lately. but really, it has been a very stressful year, what with the iraq war, and the taiwan elections, and the singapore elections, and now the all important american elections comming up.. plus even more stress about... well... us...and his foresight going completely wahooni because of it... i havent told the fellowship about it yet. it'll just be so odd... i dont know how i'd show my face if *anyone* got to know... oh, i dont know. maybe i'll tell legolas. he might understand. no, i have to tell legolas... i feel i owe him that, wierd as it may seem. but to expose myself to him in any way is a huge risk, and i'm not entirely sure i'm okay with that. he... well... hates me, most of the time. you know, when he's not being nice... which is most of the time. he cant stand the sight of me. it makes me sad. i really didnt mean for it to go so bad between us. i was an idiot. he hurt me, and i wanted to hurt him back, i just... was stupid. i hate myself for that. every time i think about the pain i've caused him i... but hush! what's past is past.

i just saw the trailer for Universal Pictures' production of The Two Brothers. awwww..... mrrrp.... it's about tigers, about a tiger, or two tigers, or many tigers, i dont know. the trailer didnt really say.

as an aside: dont you think it's disgusting the way trailers dont quite give you enough for you to make an informed decision?

anyway, i was watching it, and there were these cute, adorable tigers... and i think it ends with the boy setting the tiger free in the jungle... and the boy said something like "you're going to stay here, in the jungle, forever." and the poor tiger just looked at him... mournfully...

mrrp...

mrrrrrrp.... poor tiger... he doesnt want to leave the boy... he doesnt care... he just wants to be with someone he loves... but the boy is going to leave him... the boy thinks it's for the best. why cant he understand that he is abandoning the tiger? it's such a child... poor darling... pooor, pooor tiger... my heart aches for it.

i dont think i can bear to watch it. i'm sure elrond will want to though. he's mad about the big cats. *haiz* i know i will cling on to him like a baby throughout. and probably cry buckets, which does nothing for my Piss-Proud, Arrogant Asshole Galadhrim image. :(

am bored.

am boooooored.

why does elrond disappear for so long in the afternoons?

*sigh*

am booooooooooored.

*pout*


-_- ....


*sigh*












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this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, alright!

this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves,
this is the song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves...

*sigh*

awwww.... i'm still bored.
it's so lonely in the afternoons. :(

i'm hungry. :(

i'm so hungry. :( :(

i'm so very hungryyyy!!!!!!!!

it's so unfair.

well, actually it's not. i'm the one who decided to go on that bloody stupid detox diet. i'm trying to keep to a nice, healthy diet of fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and (thank elbereth!) real solid food for dinner.

dont get me wrong. i certainly am NOT fat. nope, nuhuh, no way. (adopts chin-up, pissy, arrogant, self-satisfied smirk) I am the pinnacle of physical perfection. i do not *need* to diet to loose weight. i like my weight as it is, thankyouverymuch.

even if He Who Hates Me (aka my ex) does seem to think i am slightly on the plump side. like, excuse me, there is no such thing as a plump elf!

it's just a good thing to do. you know... rather than stuffing my face with all that sugar and oils and fats and toxins and poisons... even if they *are* tasty, they cant possibly be good for me. i mean, if i am going to be spending the rest of eternity in this body, i might as well start taking care of it. (i heard Radagast wore out his knee cartilage and is now taking USANA health supplements to regrow them. And yeah, well, he's not an elf, but it never hurts to play safe.)

result of which: I AM HUNGRY!!!!!

it's eleven in the morning and i have had NOTHING to eat but a few sticks of carrots, a pear and a friggin slice of honeydew!!! i want my cakes!! i want my potato chips!! I WANT MY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!!!!

*whine, whine, pouty sulk*

of course, Elrond's not affected at all. he *always* eats healthy. well, healthyish anyway. i think it's part of his Mortal Complex. or Human Complex, whatever you wanna call it. the fella's so insecure about being a peredhil he gets paranoid sometimes. i'll betcha a million (from his account, i dont have my own. c",) that he's so erm... careful with his food cos he's afraid that if he binges he'll stop looking elfy.

am hungryyyyyyyy.... :( :( :(

hm.. hey all. i thought i'd do up a blog. just a simple one, you know, to burn my time. *shrugs*. it's supposed to be all the rage at the moment. i guess i'll check it out.

*glares at html script*

oh well, i should be able to work it all out by tonight.